Week 4: Consequences of Stress on Children’s Development - A brief discussion about my personal experience with domestic violence as a child.

Domestic violence is the willful intimidation, physical assault, battery, sexual assault, and/or other abusive behavior perpetrated by an intimate partner against another. It is an epidemic affecting individuals in every community, regardless of age, economic status, race, religion, nationality or educational background. Violence against women is often accompanied by emotionally abusive and controlling behavior, and thus is part of a systematic pattern of dominance and control. Domestic violence results in physical injury, psychological trauma, and sometimes death. The consequences of domestic violence can cross generations and truly last a lifetime. (http://www.ncadv.org/)

I have alluded to a little bit on this blog about my somewhat challenging upbringing. Domestic violence was present in during my childhood as I witnessed physical, emotional, mental, financial abuse occurring within my parent’s relationship. Growing up as the eldest child, having my little brother there for company helped a lot back then, but it also made it that much more confusing. The roles expected of me such as protector, helpless kid, secret keeper, mini-mommy (as Alex would sometimes call me) were constantly conflicting, causing a lot of stress. Both of my parents assured us kids that we were loved at all times, and I could not understand for a long time why they were saying “sorry” to us kids. I remember thinking “I thought kids just had to be sorry.” All I can really remember thinking about is being functional, keep busy, to get me through it: make sure Alex has what he needs, try to help mom clean up, make dad laugh, never throw away the news paper when they were fighting about jobs, etc. Alex and I were never physically hurt that I can remember, but it was scary. After countless trips around the cycle of violence, the family did what it needed to do to make it stop. My parents split, my dad got help (a lot of help over a lot of time), and Alex and I survived as best we could. We got counseling, I sunk myself in my studies, determined to get away to go to college. When I was eight or nine, my favorite Auntie said to me “School is your ticket out, Sess.” Those words were imprinted on my brain, and ultimately, it was true! I know both my parents feel unbelievable guilt now for what my brother and I were exposed to, but ultimately it, in some ways, accounts for who I have become: A person who will hopefully make the world a better place than she found it!

Though a career in social services, child protection, or as an advocate of victims was not my childhood dream (being a marine biologist was), I am certain that a large part of this decision for my current career of choice has to do with the stress I experienced as a kid. I have a hope to help alleviate it from others now. There are many variations of child maltreatment, abuse, and neglect I could have focused on such as working with disabled or elderly victims, in the medical field, law enforcement, mental health, substance abuse, etc.  However, I chose to become an advocate for child victims. Having firsthand experience, made the training for this field challenging as well because setting boundaries is not a lesson that one can learn from a book or lecture.  

In our studies this week, we learned a little about some of the issues I just described, especially the effects of stress on early childhood development biosocial, cognitively, and psychosocially. Some of these include stunted growth and poor nutrition, post-traumatic stress disorder and other mental health issues, and propensity for high-risk behaviors later. For me, keeping my eye on the light at the end of the tunnel was the key for me to cope with the stress. Thinking about tonight, tomorrow, next week, next year, my next teacher, college, own apartment, moving away was the way out for me. Now, having learned about some actual advantages to stress allows me to account for my method of madness. I believe that while kids need a certain amount of stress in their upbringing to develop normal and healthy coping strategies. Now, domestic violence is so prevalent and no child should have to be exposed to it, but less dangerous, low-risk stressors can help kids bounce back and formulate good coping, cooperative, and consistent strategies to stress.

During college, I was fortunate enough to spend a semester abroad in London, England. This part of the world is very special to me, I have even considered moving there at some point (on my Bucket List). It was some of the best time of my life so far. I had never lived in a real city before, and this was my first time outside the US.  Nevertheless, despite its amazing public transportation system, universal health care, lower unemployment rate, rich history, art, cool accents---domestic violence is a very big problem here too.

If we remember three things about Domestic Violence: It is everywhere, affects every type of person, but the kids are the silent victims usually. When people learn about my experience, or question clients of mine about “why didn’t you say anything, do anything, just leave?” there are so many answers. But, this question is still traumatizing a victim because she is again blamed.

Below is some information about domestic violence and it’s affects on children from both England and the US. After you read, check out each website for more information!

In the US: http://www.ncadv.org/

One in every four women will experience domestic violence in her lifetime

Historically, someone they knew has most often victimized females.

Most cases of domestic violence are never reported to the police

Witnessing violence between one’s parents or caretakers is the strongest risk factor of transmitting violent behavior from one generation to the next

30% to 60% of perpetrators of intimate partner violence also abuse children in the household

In the UK:    www.nspcc.org.uk/

~29% of women and 18% of men aged 16 to 59 reported that they had experienced one or more types of abuse (non-sexual abuse such as use of physical force, being prevented from having money or seeing friends or being belittled, sexual assault and stalking) at the hands of a current or former partner at some time since age 16.

~Over a quarter (26%) of young adults reported that physical violence sometimes took place between those caring for them during childhood. For 5% this violence was constant or frequent.

~The total cost of domestic violence to services (the criminal justice system, health, social services, housing and civil legal) amounts to £3.1 billion per year, while the loss to the economy is £2.7 billion per year in England and Wales. 'An additional element is the human and emotional cost. Domestic violence leads to pain and suffering that is not counted in the cost of services. This amounts to over £17 billion a year. Including all costs, the total cost of domestic violence for the state, employers and victims is estimated at around £23 billion [per year]'.

What stops children and young people seeking help?

Many children and young people are reluctant to seek help because they feel that they do not have anyone that they can turn to for support. They may have sought help in the past and had a negative experience, which makes them unlikely to do so again.

In an NSPCC study of child maltreatment, only a quarter of the people who had experienced sexual abuse as a child had told anyone at the time. Being unable to tell someone that you are being abused can be very stressful and may leave a vulnerable child at risk of continuing or further abuse.

Young people may not seek help because they feel that they will not be believed. They may feel too embarrassed to talk to an adult about a private or personal problem, or they may be worried that they will not be taken seriously by parents and/or professionals.Children and young people are often reluctant to admit that they have a problem. They may be worried about confidentiality and lack trust in both the people around them (including parents) and in the services provided to help them.

Through trials, tribulations, including stress. I consider my experiances as priceless resources as an advocate!